Last week Tuesday!

. . .CONTINUED

Dear Matthew,

I didn’t learn my lesson from the day before and basically left at the same time.

To my utter amazement I made it to the course on time and of course that meant that I was super early. Took a seat faffed around and got to meet some of the people that I was going to be spending the following two weeks with.

Two things that I have learned so far:

• Bitches be loving their tea and coffee. No jokes they get up and get it through out the course like some one alerted them to the possibility of a tea and coffee shortage and they are getting it in while they still can. That or they have taken a page out of the South African Complimentary Goods Hand Book. IF ITS FREE TAKE ADVANTAGE HOW!
• These people have too taken a page from The South African Time Management Hand Book. To date no one has arrived early for this class but we all still get there before our instructor!

Their accents are pretty cool and to their merit though they have also been rated one of the nicest accents in the country when it comes to customer services. Apparently Northerners (that’s what we are) have got really calm and soothing accents and they manage to keep people relaxed while going through their complaints.

From my point of view it is pretty much because I cant understand what the hell they are saying and so I don’t even bother pursuing the issue. I just nod and move on with my life. I am too confused to be frustrated to be honest. It kind of knocks the wind right out of my sails.

We started with presentations on Tuesday and what we had to do was learn all we could about the person sitting next to us and vice versa and then we stood up and presented them to the group.

Things I learned about my fellow class mates:

• Not much I couldn’t understand what they were saying.
• I did catch that one bloke loves his mom.
• Canny means very nice.
• Some guy wants to join the Navy.
• Another guy was a chef in a lot of places around the country.
• Presentation skills are not these people’s strong points.

We read through some stuff for the rest of the day and then we were allowed to leave early.

I started my Champix on this day too and it was fairly OK. I had a bit of a dizzy spell in the morning but managed to move forward with my day unaffected. I remember saying to myself “Self this is not so bad.” I was so naive back then!

Obviously because I have a different accent, nay,funny accent some would say (just imagine what they sound like to me) people obviously know that I am from a different country. Standard responses to the statement : I AM FROM SOUTH AFRICA range from: Don’t you miss the weather to Whats it like on this side of the world for ya? The one that I didn’t see coming though was “Where are your flies?” Now I obviously had way too much faith in humanity to believe that people couldn’t be that ignorant!

I learned another important lesson that day: I need to stop having faith in humanity!

Clearly he could tell by the offended look on my face that I was confused at his question so he then went on to elaborate, “The adverts on telly always show African kids covered in flies.” There were many ways that I could have answered that one, personally a swift boot to the balls was my favorite option at the time but I decided that I would stoop to his level. “Oh!” I said as if I suddenly realized that he was the biggest idiot on the face of the planet! “My flies! Well they were stopped at customs but don’t worry I will get them back once they come out of quarantine! Six months is a long time to wait but at least they have long life spans!” Luckily for him i wasn’t in one of my more dramatic moods because that could have turned out very differently for him.

I then finished my cigarette and moved on with my life leaving the idiot questioning everything he thought he knew about life.

Looking back on it now I do believe that the side effects of Champix started almost instantaneously but at that point I was convinced I was fine.

When I got home that day I sat down and questioned everything I thought I knew about life myself.

TO BE CONTINUED. .

Last week Monday!

Dear Matthew,

Right so as you were aware I was incredibly nervous about starting my new course last week.

I wasn’t sure what to expect and also wasn’t quite sure what the people were going to be like. Looking back on it two weeks later I really had nothing to be worried about. With me being so awesome and all.

I woke up early and got ready and reluctantly made my way out the door only to have missed the first bus. I was inches away from taking the stance that when you miss your bus it isn’t meant to be. It was early so i sat myself down and just waited for the next one.

Cue the Female bus Driver!

Why is it that whenever I think I have more than enough time to get through stuff a friendly woman but driver with empathy for the tar that she drives on arrives to get me to my destination? WHY WORLD WHY?

I shuffled to the back of the bus like I always do and put my earphones in as I always do because I find it hard to listen to the drivel around me. Rocking it to bust a move I check my phone every five minutes to see how late I am going to be and I mentally threw my hands in the air and basically said FUCK IT!

I enjoyed the bus ride as did all the grateful gimpy hipped grannies. When I arrived at The Haymarket I pied on my clock that I could actually make it to where I needed to be on time. So I bolt down the escalator and through to the platform where my train was due to embark only to see it leave before my eyes. A smiling kid waving out the window as it did. One thought crossed my mind at that point.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

Turning my music up and my head down I kept dancing in my head until the next train arrived. At this stage I was fifteen minutes late and the thought of what I would be walking into when I arrived played on my mind. Scenes varied from me being turned away to me being told off and my favorite included me walking slowly away from a blazing building.

Now as you well know I do not run. It just doesn’t happen. I am not being chased, my life is not in danger and other people around me are not running. I do not run!

I didn’t run that day either. I walked at an impressive pace but I did not run! Funny as I am writing it its as if I am fighting the power but that wasn’t it at all i was just so over the day already and it hadn’t even started. So i sauntered down to the building and made my way up the stairs and as I made it through the doors I put on a pant and burst through the doors to four unassuming faces yelling “I am so sorry I am late!” One of them turned to me and said, “Ah no worries the tutor hasn’t even arrived yet.”

I returned my breathing to normal shrugged it off and found a seat in the corner with some good looking guys and sat down. One of them was to be the man that I was going to marry then he opened his mouth and I called off the wedding.

After filling a shit house full of forms. We were that we could go home. To say that day one was a giant waste of my time would be an understatement of note! I sauntered back to the Haymarket and as i got on the bus I remembered that my prescription would indeed be ready!

I stopped off at the doctors, then stopped off to get my prescription for my stop smoking stuff and then spent the rest of my afternoon walking around town in attempt to find a pharmacy that had it in stock.

Other than the fact that my day basically consisted of walking around town at incredible paces and filing in paperwork I suppose it wasn’t all that bad. This however was not an indicator to what my week was going to be like, OH NO! it definitely got better and a lot more interesting!

Missed you all day though!

My weeks events will continue after this xxx

TO BE CONTINUED. . .

Fourteen!

Dear Matthew,

I know that it has been about fourteen days since my last blog! (sort of sounds like the opening to a confession!)

Although my acts have been pure my thoughts have not been!

Instead of writing you one incredibly long blog to fill you in on what has been happening in the past two weeks I have decided to go day by day over the past two weeks as I would normally have done! It just makes more sense to me to be honest! Plus there was way too much that happened over the past two weeks I have to fill you in detail for detail.

Preview!

• Did I go to the football?
• How was my first day at the course?
• What new fresh Hell has the Job Center got in store for me?
• Were there any more animals harmed in the making of this blog?
• What Minority group did I unwittingly insult whilst in the throws of a hangover?

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!

Stay tuned friend because if you thought that my shenanigans had come to halt you ain’t seen nothing yet!

I will be releasing them all today so keep an eye out for them!

Missing you every day

Love you Always and Forever!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I Will have a beautiful house!

Dear Matthew,

Today Jell took me to Nirvana!

I have officially kitted out my whole house that I don’t have yet and I already need a bigger house! The stuff at this place was absolutely amazing and not only was it very stylish and right up my alley way it was also the best priced furniture that I have ever seen in my life.

Where is this amazing place of myths and legends you may ask?

It was IKEA. This place is revolutionary and as far as I am concerned anything else very much so pales in comparison. The stuff at that place literally took my breath away and I am so excited about being able to decorate our house one day and hopefully that will be one day soon!

Jell and I were sitting an a recliner and she said to me that whenever I am feeling like what ever I am going through may not be worth it I just need to remember that I have plans and that one day when I am sitting in my recliner it will all be worth it.

IKEA is set up like a beautiful maze of show rooms specifically designed to show you how to use your space wisely and how to make use of colors all at an amazing price. Each show room you walk through show cases different things like kitchen spaces, bedroom and living area’s. They have got the most stunning items of furniture that I would have ever imagined.

After you have decided what you want they can deliver the stuff to your house and then when it gets there all you have to do is assemble it. We are going to have a very beautiful house and I am so excited to get that ball rolling.

The plan of action is as follows

Step 1 is to get a job.

Step 2 is to find a house and put down a deposit.

Step 3 go crazy on furniture from IKEA! tehehehe

I start my customer services course tomorrow and I am fairly excited about doing that it just takes me one step closer to getting a job and that takes me one step closer to getting our place!

I feel kind of anxious about the people I am going to meet there tomorrow and to be honest everything here is different I don’t even know what to expect from the people or from the course. I am hoping that I meet some nice people around my age and that i get to make some friends. I think making friends will make life a bit easier over here for me. I do feel kind of lonely sometimes but that’s just because I was so used to having people around me all the time.

Even though I am nervous about tomorrow I am also very excited to learn how things work over here and also get another qualification under my belt. There is never anything wrong with learning new skills that can help you better yourself in life and in your career.

The next two weeks are going to be really nice and I have a feeling that something good is going to happen. I applied for this really awesome job that is just across the road from Jells office and I really hope that I get my call for an interview this week. When I get that phone call I am going to give that interview my all.

I miss you loads friend and I really wish that you were here with me. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that much is true but I would be a lot more fond of your face if it were in front of me.

I hope that you have a good week and I will let you know what happens after my first day.

Love you always and forever.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The Interview That Didn’t Happen!

Dear Matthew,

Today I had the worst interview experience I have ever had.

The one day I had my ducks in a row, got up early and actually made it to the bus on time the rest of the world decided that it was not going to be that easy!

First allow me to explain this job that I for some reason unknown to myself I decided would give a fair shot. This guy phoned me last week and explained that he had a position that would allow me to work from home at a high commission only rate. It sounded easy enough and he explained that the people that had already taken on these positions were doing really well. That was red flag number one.

Red flag number two was that he was super keen to employ me even though I didn’t have any relevant experience in the field that they wanted me to work in.

What made the job sound appealing though was that they offered to do full certified training. That would have worked in my benefit had I decided to pursue a career in that field further.

Well did that all go for a ball of shit today?

Yes!

Why?

I’ll tell you!

Like I mentioned earlier I finally got the whole lets get to the bus early so that we don’t look like a wind swept, make up running and sweating like a pig mess. I took a leisurely walk up to the bus stop. Made it in time sat down and had a look around. Chilled like only I know how and then I realized that the bus was ten minutes late. That wasn’t really supposed to be a problem until we ended up in bus traffic that took me forty minutes to get to the Haymarket.

I, as I know it is good etiquette, let the man know that I was running late and that I would be there as soon as. To which he replied it was fine and that he and his colleague would be waiting for me. I finally get to the Haymarket and bolt to where it is that I am meant to be and then it starts to snow!

I get there,

Windswept.

Make up running and

SWEATING LIKE A PIG.

I dramatically burst through the doors and make my way to the upstairs area find a man and a woman sitting in the corner and I basically yell at them asking if they are the people I was rushing to see. They were not the people and they were the only people there that matched the description I had been given. So allowing the drama to continue I ran down the stairs and then it happened.

My phone rang,

I answered,

I got yelled at?

He hung up!

UMMMMMMMMM! My Daddy don’t even yell at me!

The guy got his Knickers in a bundle all because I was like ten minutes late, like I said I was going to be, and then told me off and called me disrespectful!

(I’m shrieking now) I’M DISRESPECTFUL??

Who in their right mind yells at someone they don’t even  know!

And trust me he does not know me!

You sir are disrespectful, probably ugly and had just had  a bad day and tried to take it out on me!

Its not my fault I’m better looking,

Nicer

and just generally a better person!

That was just rude!

So I send him a message to apologize for what happened and then he tells me his time is valuable and he is a very busy man!

AND I’M NOT BUSY? (still shrieking)

IS MY TIME NOT VALUABLE?

You sir can go get knotted!

Imagine that shit! I mean really can we be serious for a moment. Life happens and as a result shit happens and I think that this guy was just bloody unnecessary and I hope that his balls hairs get infested with the fleas of one thousand camels.

That thought makes me feel so much better!

On that note that is the LAST time that I am ever early for the bus!

Well I hope you had a better day than I did which I am pretty sure was possible!

Missing you loads!

Love you always and forever.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

The Job Center Tragedy!

Dear Matthew,

So on Friday I had my first bad experience here and then another one on Saturday.

In order for me to be a genuine British citizen I need this thing called an NI number (national insurance number). It allows me to take advantage of the National Health Services and claim benefits and stuff like that.

After having a woman bleed my ears for almost an hour during the week I got an appointment to go down to the job center so that I could kick off the process. I got all dressed up so that I looked professional. I wore my big girl panties and walked in there with my confidence on. Only to get shot down.

Right so I cruise in, head held high and have a seat. While I’m waiting to be dealt with I am watching this highly annoyed woman deal with this guy that was before me. I sat there hoping and praying that i wasn’t going to have to deal with her.

God was obviously dealing with some one else at that moment because I ended up speaking to her any way.

She calls me over and looks at me like its my fault she actually had to do her job that day. So as I waited for her to get all of the stuff ready so that we can continue with my life, I got all of my documents out so that there was no delay when it came to that area of this dreadful event.

When asked for my passport (that took me the best part of a year to get as I am sure you will recall) I handed it to her. She took one look at the passport and then says to me in the most condescending and demeaning way ever, “you do know that just because you have a passport doesn’t mean that you are entitled.”

I was so taken aback and insulted I actually wanted to lunge myself over the table and punch her in the throat. Any way after getting over myself I just looked at her and as coldly and as calmly as I could muster I just said “yes”.

We carried on filling in the forms that needed to be filled in and forty five minutes later not only was I drained, beyond annoyed and insulted by the very essence of the word I was then told to take another seat and wait for some one else to rip my character to shreds.

I didn’t come to this country to rape the system I came here for a better life. It just seems though that I am trading one form of racism for another.

The next guy I spoke to was really nice and couldn’t do enough to help me but that didn’t take away from the fact that the woman before had made me feel like crap.

That was the first time in the past two weeks that I had been here that I wanted to be home. Better the evil you know. . .

When I arrived home though I was excited again because my letter from the bank had arrived! All I needed to do was go in and complete the paper work so that I could get my account. So on Saturday morning with Dave and Jelly in tow we went through to the bank to get that done. Something that should have been simple enough however turned into another case of me not being British enough.

As I handed over all of my documents so that I could sign my piece of paper so I could again move forward with my life the issue of my previous address was a problem.

What it basically boiled down to was the fact that they had no proof of a previous address in this country meant that I was ineligible for a bank account. At that point I was so over the crap my main concern turned from getting a bank account to the nearest place where I could go and have a pee.

Dave and Jelly managed to help me out though and I got my phone call today to say that they had found a way around the fact that I had lived in another country for my whole life.

I never thought that I would feel so small all because I come from another country. It s feels like again I am paying for the mistakes of people before me that have screwed things up.

CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG????

Things are not as easy as I thought they were going to be but I will press on as one does because I really have no other alternative. Not only that its not about where I am its about where I want to be going.

Life goes on and I need to make this work.

I miss you loads and I hope that you are getting along well.

Love you always and forever.

xoxoxox