Driving in the UK.

Dear Matthew,

So you know I have this thing where I drive it like I stole it and nine times out of ten I am obliviously hazardous to the public with whom I share a road? Well nothing has gotten any better since I have moved countries. In fact I think my blatant disregard for road regulations has become increasingly worse.

I don’t think I can blame this one on the altitude.

I have been in possession of my car in the UK for two whole weeks now! YAY TEAM!

It has been really great to drive around and come and go as I please. I have missed driving quite a lot and if truth be told the whole bus thing was getting old anyway. Like the snow it was fun on the first day and then I really wanted it to move on so I could carry on with my life by the second.

Some one asked me if I was going to be ‘OK’ with driving in this country what with camels and cars being so different from each other. (Why a camel was this persons choice for transport I have no idea I am from South Africa not Egypt and we use Elephants not Camels!) I laughed and said we drive (ride) on the same side of the road and that was half the battle over with!

WELL WAS I WRONG!

I have divided my experience with driving into YAY’s and NAY’s!

YAY’s

1. I get to drive! I have only been here for four months, I have a job, a car and I am still pretty awesome. Some people would consider that to be quite an accomplishment.
2. We drive (ride) on the same side of the road.
3. I don’t have to deal with taxi’s.
4. K, so you know how we play chicken in traffic when driving in South Africa? You have to kind of look for a gap and then act on it right there and then or you will stay in the left hand lane and end up in a city that was not apart of your original journey to begin with? Here when you use your indicator they actually let you in! The first time I got a gap I almost stalled my car from sheer excitement and bewilderment.
5. Traffic is rather pleasant as in there is hardly any and I always get to work well before I am supposed to be there. (this is both a yay and a nay but hey!)

NAY’s

1. My road rage has not gotten any better and I have noticed that I am actually a pretty bad driver. I always thought you were just jealous of my awesomeness behind the wheel and my Dads propensity for white knuckle syndrome was highly unnecessary. But truth be told I don’t even want to drive with me it has gotten that bad! I will tell you why!As you are well aware, roads in South Africa are really different. We don’t know how to use traffic lights, STOP signs are a suggestion and ROUND ABOUT’S are a foreign concept to we SAFAS*. Here green means go, stop actually means stop and pedestrians actually use pedestrian crossings! It is some crazy shit to be honest but apparently this is the way the cookie crumbles on this side of the world. So, I didn’t sleep well last night and as you know that means I was a moody cow this morning. I was working late shift and I had some things I needed to do.

   THINGS I HAD TO DO TODAY:

   • Go to IKEA and buy pillows.
   • Buy Pillow cases for above mentioned pillows.
   • Go to work!

   As earlier  mentioned I was in no mood!

   On my way to IKEA, which happens to be in the same general area as where I work your friend (me) got her ass lost! Now I have been driving around in circles trying to find Toys R us for adults and I end up one town over (one whole friggin town)! I look down at my clock and I am about an hour away from being late and I have no clue where I am supposed to go to get back to my office.Worry not though, I thought to myself I will just find a round about, turn myself  around and just go back the way I came.

   The best thing about this country is that no matter where you go there is a round about (unless you are fucking lost, moody and in desperate need of one!). So I make an illegal U turn in the middle of a road in the middle of no where that I knew.

   I got flipped off by a coffin dodger and then did something funky to my car cause the rev counter has given up on life as it knows it.

   Regardless I mission on because the last thing I want to add to my series of misfortunes for today was to get fired. I finally kind of make my way back the way I came so that I can get to work. Forty five minutes to go and as I drive up the road to where I almost know where I am there stands IKEA in all of its glory! I could not go though cause I needed to get to work! So I show IKEA the bird and make my way towards the round about that I so desperately needed earlier and in a fit of annoyance (and stupidity) I just went!

   To add to my shame when the person that was supposed to go gave me a look of confusion I yelled at him out of my window and sped onward and upwards.

   In hind sight I should probably have just taken a mo, calmed myself and carried on with my mission in a more peaceful state of mind. The thing with hind sight though is it is not really present when you are acting like an absolute tool. As I walked into my building I felt a lot calmer and just decided I would deal with the issue of  pillows tomorrow. I mean hey what ever right?

   Then as if the Lord was trying to encourage me not to give up on the mission I had set out to achieve this morning I was given the opportunity to go home early (yes please). Driving a lot calmer now I made my way to another store in the same area to get my pillows and pillow cases. I was driving nice and slow, had some music jamming in the car and I thought I was handling the round about’s with care till I almost got smooshed by another truck.

   At that point I decided I no longer liked this game and gave up.

2. I really dislike round about’s. In case you had not picked up on that in the little story I just told you allow me to remove any questions about how I feel about them. I HATE ROUND ABOUT’S!  That is how I feel and I hope you know that.
3. I have never driven this slow in my life before (like ever).
4. I got a fine on day three of having my car. I parked in front of a disabled ramp that lead straight into a bush. Why people in wheel chairs would feel it necessary to frolic in the shrubbery the guy that gave me my ticket only knows.

The predicament as it stands:

1. I am going to become the hood ornament to a truck.
2. I am going to end up in a road rage dispute that I am going to loose.
3. I am going to have my license (that I worked so hard to get) taken away from me and I will end up taking the bus for the rest of my days, till I get old and die.

The solution?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I am hoping that I get better at it but in the event that I don’t and God willing I don’t end up looking at my spleen in 2D after a run in with a truck, it is probably one of those things that will just take some practice. I should probably get a copy of this ‘highway code’ that people keep yammering on about and read what it says.

Or I can find myself a driving buddy. It would probably be best if I don’t let them read this post though!

I hope that everything is going well with you on your side of the world and that you are still driving miss daisy and taking special care in being an upstanding citizen on the roads of SA!

miss you loads

Love you always and forever.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

PS: I have learnt some new ‘Geordisms’ I think the next blog I do for you will be in Geordie! 

*SAFA- It is what they call South Africans. Kind of weird but I don’t know if it is starting to have a nice ring to it or if I am just used to hearing it. It is not meant to be offensive it just depends who you speak to I suppose.

Last week Saturday!

. . .CONTINUED

Dear Matthew,

My tolerance for alcohol in this country is at an all time low. I get drunk so quickly it is pretty disgusting. Two glasses of wine and that’s me on my face and there is no shame. I have given new meaning to being a cheap date. The drunkenness sneaks up on me as if  it were a highly trained ninja and before I know it I am slurring my words and laughing my ass off.

Dave organised a nice evening out with family and friends of theirs at this place called the Cumberland Arms. But before we left for there we went to this place called The Ship and had a glass of wine. Now I cant remember if I had wine before we left and that is not cause I am a lush its because my memory is crap! That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Either way, I was already on my face by the time I finished the glass of wine that we had at The Ship and then we embarked on the long walk to the Cumberland Arms. It wasn’t so much the fact that the walk was long more the fact that I was drunk and I wont deny that my fitness levels are those of an obese donkey that can’t place his feet on the ground due to the vast size of his belly. Jell and I had a good giggle as we slowly and breathlessly made our way up and annoying stair case with steps not quite small enough for one step or two but not big enough for three.  We eventually lost sight of David as he sprinted on ahead of us making sure we realized that our lives we so sad that a man getting on in his years could out run us up a flight of steps.

When we finally got to the top of the treacherous pathway there was a light! It was indeed the Cumberland Arms. I had never been so excited to see a drinking establishment in my life. Jell and I walked behind Dave (at great distance) attempting to catch our breath. As we walked into this place there was a guy sitting outside in the Fuck Off cold playing his ukulele. I tried really hard not to laugh in his face but unfortunately there is only so much multitasking as a human being I can do.  As the night progressed though that wasn’t the only inappropriate thing I decided to find humor in.

While we were sitting around having a drink Cath and Jell made mention of this festival that I was supposed to go to but unfortunately due to the weather it has been cancel. Then they mentioned a separate incident where some dude offed his kid by mistake. In my drunken stupor I asked them to go into detail about this tragic story. Apparently what had happened was that some guy steam rolled his own son. Two things ran through my mind after I heard that.

1. Steam rollers are generally pretty slow. How did he not stop himself from rolling over his kid. 
2. Why were they giving me disgusting looks for laughing? Obviously the joke fell flat on them! (GEDDIT?)

When I finally realized that it was in appropriate to laugh I wiped away my tears and then I tried to put on one of the most sympathetic faces I could find.

I FAILED.

Hoping to pretend like that moment hadn’t even happened I kept drinking like I was super thirsty. In hind sight I now realize that this is what my problem is. I drink to cover up my stupidity. My stupidity is brought on by my drinking and ipso facto columbo oreo we have what is known as a vicious cycle.

The night came to a close and myself and Marian hauled our drunken selves into the back of the taxi and nattered and laughed the whole way home. I lost  my shoe, I lost jells glove and I told the taxi driver that he had one of the most interesting jobs in the world. I bet he begged to differ.

Needless to say that the nights frivolity didn’t come with consequences.

Cue Sunday Morning. . .

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Last week Tuesday!

. . .CONTINUED

Dear Matthew,

I didn’t learn my lesson from the day before and basically left at the same time.

To my utter amazement I made it to the course on time and of course that meant that I was super early. Took a seat faffed around and got to meet some of the people that I was going to be spending the following two weeks with.

Two things that I have learned so far:

• Bitches be loving their tea and coffee. No jokes they get up and get it through out the course like some one alerted them to the possibility of a tea and coffee shortage and they are getting it in while they still can. That or they have taken a page out of the South African Complimentary Goods Hand Book. IF ITS FREE TAKE ADVANTAGE HOW!
• These people have too taken a page from The South African Time Management Hand Book. To date no one has arrived early for this class but we all still get there before our instructor!

Their accents are pretty cool and to their merit though they have also been rated one of the nicest accents in the country when it comes to customer services. Apparently Northerners (that’s what we are) have got really calm and soothing accents and they manage to keep people relaxed while going through their complaints.

From my point of view it is pretty much because I cant understand what the hell they are saying and so I don’t even bother pursuing the issue. I just nod and move on with my life. I am too confused to be frustrated to be honest. It kind of knocks the wind right out of my sails.

We started with presentations on Tuesday and what we had to do was learn all we could about the person sitting next to us and vice versa and then we stood up and presented them to the group.

Things I learned about my fellow class mates:

• Not much I couldn’t understand what they were saying.
• I did catch that one bloke loves his mom.
• Canny means very nice.
• Some guy wants to join the Navy.
• Another guy was a chef in a lot of places around the country.
• Presentation skills are not these people’s strong points.

We read through some stuff for the rest of the day and then we were allowed to leave early.

I started my Champix on this day too and it was fairly OK. I had a bit of a dizzy spell in the morning but managed to move forward with my day unaffected. I remember saying to myself “Self this is not so bad.” I was so naive back then!

Obviously because I have a different accent, nay,funny accent some would say (just imagine what they sound like to me) people obviously know that I am from a different country. Standard responses to the statement : I AM FROM SOUTH AFRICA range from: Don’t you miss the weather to Whats it like on this side of the world for ya? The one that I didn’t see coming though was “Where are your flies?” Now I obviously had way too much faith in humanity to believe that people couldn’t be that ignorant!

I learned another important lesson that day: I need to stop having faith in humanity!

Clearly he could tell by the offended look on my face that I was confused at his question so he then went on to elaborate, “The adverts on telly always show African kids covered in flies.” There were many ways that I could have answered that one, personally a swift boot to the balls was my favorite option at the time but I decided that I would stoop to his level. “Oh!” I said as if I suddenly realized that he was the biggest idiot on the face of the planet! “My flies! Well they were stopped at customs but don’t worry I will get them back once they come out of quarantine! Six months is a long time to wait but at least they have long life spans!” Luckily for him i wasn’t in one of my more dramatic moods because that could have turned out very differently for him.

I then finished my cigarette and moved on with my life leaving the idiot questioning everything he thought he knew about life.

Looking back on it now I do believe that the side effects of Champix started almost instantaneously but at that point I was convinced I was fine.

When I got home that day I sat down and questioned everything I thought I knew about life myself.

TO BE CONTINUED. .

Fourteen!

Dear Matthew,

I know that it has been about fourteen days since my last blog! (sort of sounds like the opening to a confession!)

Although my acts have been pure my thoughts have not been!

Instead of writing you one incredibly long blog to fill you in on what has been happening in the past two weeks I have decided to go day by day over the past two weeks as I would normally have done! It just makes more sense to me to be honest! Plus there was way too much that happened over the past two weeks I have to fill you in detail for detail.

Preview!

• Did I go to the football?
• How was my first day at the course?
• What new fresh Hell has the Job Center got in store for me?
• Were there any more animals harmed in the making of this blog?
• What Minority group did I unwittingly insult whilst in the throws of a hangover?

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!

Stay tuned friend because if you thought that my shenanigans had come to halt you ain’t seen nothing yet!

I will be releasing them all today so keep an eye out for them!

Missing you every day

Love you Always and Forever!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yesterday I went to Edinburgh!

Dear Matthew,

I have only been here for four weeks and I have already been in another country!

Even though it is separated by a state line and a few signs that say “you have left England” and “WELCOME TO SCOTLAND” there is a vast difference! The people are super friendly, their hot chocolate is definitely superior and their weather is shyte! I thought the ups and downs of the Newcastle weather was bad? Well I was wrong!

I went to a few really nice places while I was there:

1. A lovely little coffee shop called the Jolly Judge.
2. Edinburgh Castle (the one and only).
3. The Scottish National Art Museum.
4. The Hard Rock Cafe!

The Lovely little coffee shop called the Jolly Judge was my first stop after a rather pleasant two hour drive with Jelly to this wonderful place!

I walked down this alley (which normally would make people feel kind of sketchy) it made me feel very welcome. I heard two men speaking in their stunningly gruff and jolly accents. The one guy walked me into his restaurant and showed me around the place. They were so friendly and welcoming and couldn’t do enough for me. I ordered my food and hot chocolate and took a seat.

They gave me the BEST hot chocolate that I have EVER had!

I had a full Scottish breakfast. Holly cow!

This breakfast included the following:

• Two pieces of toast
• Two pork sausages
• Two fried eggs
• Two pieces of Black Pudding
• Lots of bacon

Its was supposed to have haggis and potato scones as well but I was too chicken to try the haggis and they had run out of potato scones! That breakfast was insane! It was delicious too!

I have noticed however that Scottish Black pudding is not as nice as English Black pudding and it is not something I will try again.

After that whopper of a breakfast ,of which I sent back half,I said goodbye and made my way to the castle!

The cobble streets of Scotland really made it feel as if I were in the pages of a good book. The streets were filled with stunning little shops selling tartan clothes and cashmere scarves. The Castle seems to be the mid point and it was filled with tourists yesterday. People from all over the world joined me in the line to purchase their tickets to see a piece of history.

It was well worth the wait.

The Castle was beautiful! There were stairs everywhere and my calves are starting to hate me more and more as my travels continue but what lay at the top of each flight of stairs was definitely worth the searing pain I felt by the time I got home.

I got to see history unfold before my eyes. The castle is broken down into era’s. As you walk in you get to see the oldest part of the Castle. You get to see the dungeons and canons and olden day attire. Then as you progress through the different stages of the Castle you were introduced to everything from the great War of Scotland with King Robert the Bruce and William Wallace to the Second World War.

There were old parts of the Castle on display as well as the modernization that developed over the years. There were even tributes to the women who stayed behind and kept the country going while their husbands were off fighting in the respective wars.

I felt chills as I walked into the prisoner of war camps that were on the property. That was mostly because I was walking through a snow storm to get to these places but I’m sure there was something inside that gave me the warm and fuzzies too.

There are no words to describe how I felt when I left the Castle. It was really as if I had gotten in touch with my family from yester-year and we had a good sit down and chat about things that happened in the past. Like I was at a family gathering and we were exchanging tales of things that the whole family was involved in.

After I had wondered around the Castle for a good solid two hours or so I made my way down to the National Scottish Art Museum.

It literally took my breath away. There was an exhibit on paintings on Ink Artworks that really blew me away. One in particular just had me inspired. It was an artwork of two lovers done in ink and watercolor. The way that the ink was whisked across the page really had me mesmerized and it really looked incredibly romantic.

There were a lot of paintings that I was fond of by the time I had left but the two lovers is imprinted in my brain.

After that I made my way down the road to the Hard Rock Cafe. It was so exciting that I was going to have a drink at one of the places I really wanted to go to. To be honest I don’t understand the hype but it was a lovely experience none the less. I think had I not done it alone it would have really made the experience much nicer.

After that we made our way home.

The Journey home happened to be more of a highlight in my day than the actual day itself. I will tell you why.

I call this the Shana and Jelly series of unfortunate events.

As Jelly and I made our way home we cruised through towards the motor way and this is where it happened. Jelly broke our cardinal rule friend.

Which one you may ask?

DO NOT COMMENT ON THE TRAFFIC UNTIL WE ARE SAFE AT OUR DESTINATION.

As we made our way to the motor way Jelly mentioned that the traffic was not as bad as she expected. I shit you not the minute she said it we ended up in back to back traffic for about twenty minutes.

Once we made our way out of the traffic we carried on towards home. Then there was a blizzard to which she commented it was not that bad. Eventually it was so foggy that when I say we couldn’t see the bonnet of the car I am not exaggerating.

We finally made it out of the fog and steamed forward at an incredible pace. As we were travelling down the winding road a pheasant narrowly escaped its death at our hands. To which Jelly commented she had never killed anything on the road.

RIP OWL!

I can’t even say he didn’t see it coming. The last thing he saw was a purple mini and two people squeezing their eyes shut.

By the time we finally got home I was besides myself with a combination of nervous laughter and an engrossing fear of driving. The rest of the journey consisted of Jelly and I yelling stuff out into the universe like I have never won the lottery before or I have never been with a sexy Argentinian before.

To no avail.

Needless to say that was the most eventful drive that I had ever been on in my life before and it read like a good comedy horror.

The most awful commute home from Edinburgh through not one but TWO blizzards, not to mention suicidal wildlife & over-eager traffic cameras. Tried to maintain a calm facade while in total panic inside so as not to freak Shana Vermij having never driven in these conditions before. Shana kept things semi sane by singing 60s tunes loudly (“why do you build me up BUTTERCUP” etc.) and I pretended to be Captain Janeway flying through space in hyperdrive (snowflakes=stars). I’ve a feeling I provided a wealth of material for Shana for her standup/book! – Jelly

This trip would have been awesome had you been here but I hope that when you arrive we don’t get to have it quite as bad.

Miss you!

Love you always and forever

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Extreme floor diving!

Dear Matthew,

Today I discovered the most amazing sport ever!!

I kinda just fell into it really but trust me when I say I am a NATURAL! I think that this is a sport that I can honestly see myself committing to for the rest of my life.

The best part about it is that I have actually done this before while I lived in South Africa I just didn’t know what it was called.

We call it embarrassing,

others call it funny

I call it OH SWEET JESUS I JUST MISSED MY TEETH BY LIKE TWO CENTIMETERS!

How did I discover the above mentioned sport you may ask? Well it is of the utmost importance that you take everything that you know about me and throw it down on paper and keep near you for reference!

Whilst taking a leisurely stroll from the car to the elevators David and I spoke about some funny stuff, had a couple giggles and then I decided to inspect the concrete, forcefully and WITH MY FACE!

To be honest I don’t really know how it happened. I was laughing at something that David said while trying to shove my purse into my bag and then suddenly I was air born and trying to grab hold of a car and then next thing I knew Jelly was on the floor next to me and there was a moment of awkward silence while I tried to evaluate whether or not I had any broken bones.

Then slowly but increasing gradually was the silent snicker of The Dave! At which point we were all in stitches. I picked myself up off of the floor and hobbled towards the elevators and did the ugly laugh all the way down.

The ugly laugh is just like the ugly cry but instead of sobbing while tears flood your face you are laughing while tears flood your face. Don’t be fooled by the merriment of the experience, its still ugly. Dragging my then broken self to the library I kept wondering to myself how the hell Jelly ended up on the floor next to me so quickly when she was so far ahead of me?

Before you get excited, this was not a Twilight moment where she had magically made it to my side in a matter of seconds. I’m not going to suddenly become obsessed with her and we will spend our days with her piggy backing me through a forest like I’m some crip that cant use my own legs to get from point A to point B.

What I later found out was that I had in fact traveled from where I was walking beside David  to where Jelly was missioning on at a rate of knots and basically played one Jelly bowling( like ten pin bowling but because she is a Jelly and there is only one of her ,still thank goodness, it has from this point been named one Jelly bowling)!

I knocked the poor woman over while I decided to flirt with floor!

Thank goodness Jelly made it out relatively unscathed except for the mental imagery that will probably have her waking to the sound of her own screams for the next couple weeks!

I on the other hand was not so lucky!

Damage to my person is as follows:

• Ego- BRUISED
• Palms- TENDER
• Knees- SCRAPED
• Face- FINE (thank the powers that be!)
• Teeth- ALL STILL THERE!!
• Ass- ONE PULLED MUSCLE and an unattractive limp to boot.
• Calves- Still en-route to making some Hungarian shot putter rather envious.

Dave too just made it out alive! There were points where I thought he was going to die laughing but he lived and spent the whole day pointing out potentially dangerous situations that would have left me dead or worse.

THANK YOU DAVE!

Were it not for your astute eye sight and infectious laugh I probably would have drowned myself in a pool of my own tears! Thank you for spending the day pointing out cracks, bumps, feathers and other similarly dangerous objects that could have sent me hurtling to my death! Also for making my rather traumatic experience so easy to forget by bringing it up every five seconds!

CLIFFY WE (me and my teeth (all 32 of them)) SALUTE YOU!

Other than my near death experience and the fact that I cant lift my arms, like at all, I had a pretty good day. Hope your day was less dangerous but equally eventful.

Miss you stax!

Love you always and forever

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The Interview That Didn’t Happen!

Dear Matthew,

Today I had the worst interview experience I have ever had.

The one day I had my ducks in a row, got up early and actually made it to the bus on time the rest of the world decided that it was not going to be that easy!

First allow me to explain this job that I for some reason unknown to myself I decided would give a fair shot. This guy phoned me last week and explained that he had a position that would allow me to work from home at a high commission only rate. It sounded easy enough and he explained that the people that had already taken on these positions were doing really well. That was red flag number one.

Red flag number two was that he was super keen to employ me even though I didn’t have any relevant experience in the field that they wanted me to work in.

What made the job sound appealing though was that they offered to do full certified training. That would have worked in my benefit had I decided to pursue a career in that field further.

Well did that all go for a ball of shit today?

Yes!

Why?

I’ll tell you!

Like I mentioned earlier I finally got the whole lets get to the bus early so that we don’t look like a wind swept, make up running and sweating like a pig mess. I took a leisurely walk up to the bus stop. Made it in time sat down and had a look around. Chilled like only I know how and then I realized that the bus was ten minutes late. That wasn’t really supposed to be a problem until we ended up in bus traffic that took me forty minutes to get to the Haymarket.

I, as I know it is good etiquette, let the man know that I was running late and that I would be there as soon as. To which he replied it was fine and that he and his colleague would be waiting for me. I finally get to the Haymarket and bolt to where it is that I am meant to be and then it starts to snow!

I get there,

Windswept.

Make up running and

SWEATING LIKE A PIG.

I dramatically burst through the doors and make my way to the upstairs area find a man and a woman sitting in the corner and I basically yell at them asking if they are the people I was rushing to see. They were not the people and they were the only people there that matched the description I had been given. So allowing the drama to continue I ran down the stairs and then it happened.

My phone rang,

I answered,

I got yelled at?

He hung up!

UMMMMMMMMM! My Daddy don’t even yell at me!

The guy got his Knickers in a bundle all because I was like ten minutes late, like I said I was going to be, and then told me off and called me disrespectful!

(I’m shrieking now) I’M DISRESPECTFUL??

Who in their right mind yells at someone they don’t even  know!

And trust me he does not know me!

You sir are disrespectful, probably ugly and had just had  a bad day and tried to take it out on me!

Its not my fault I’m better looking,

Nicer

and just generally a better person!

That was just rude!

So I send him a message to apologize for what happened and then he tells me his time is valuable and he is a very busy man!

AND I’M NOT BUSY? (still shrieking)

IS MY TIME NOT VALUABLE?

You sir can go get knotted!

Imagine that shit! I mean really can we be serious for a moment. Life happens and as a result shit happens and I think that this guy was just bloody unnecessary and I hope that his balls hairs get infested with the fleas of one thousand camels.

That thought makes me feel so much better!

On that note that is the LAST time that I am ever early for the bus!

Well I hope you had a better day than I did which I am pretty sure was possible!

Missing you loads!

Love you always and forever.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

 

Job Center again!

Dear Matthew,

Today I went back to the hell hole!

I was ready for a fight! I had all my witty comebacks on call, my sarcasm was on top form and I was dressed to kill (as in I looked hot not like I was going serial killer on anyone’s ass)!

I walked through the door and stormed up to the front desk so that they could point me in the right direction. The woman at the front asked me if she could help me and then it was on!

This is a dialogue of what happened:

JC -“Hiya, can I help?”

Me – “Damn straight you can!”

Looking at me expectantly

JC -“How can I help?”

Me – ” Ah right, I am here to see Diane”

JC -” Alright then you can go up to the second floor then.”

Me -“Oh I can can I?”

Looking at me confused

JC – “Yes, yes you can.”

Me – “I will then”

JC – “Alright then, have a good day then!”

Me – ” You too!”

I feel I won that one! So I carried on up the stairs and burst through the second floor door all dramatic like I meant business and ran into someone else. Ready for another confrontation I walked up to him!

JC – ” Hiya pet can I help you?”

Me – “Yes, you can help me!”

Looking at me expectantly

JC – “How can I help you?”

Me – “Ah right! I am here to see my adviser.”

JC – “Do you have your appointment card with you love?”

Very antagonistically

Me – “No I don’t!”

JC – ” Ah well that’s Ok, you can come with me. Do you know her name love?”

Me (under my breath) ” ah fuck it, I think her name is Diane please.”

They completely took the wind out of my sails, pissed on my battery and shot my unicorn in the face! I was so ready to go self righteous immigrant on their asses and then today of all days they decided to be nice to me! Needless to say I was less than impressed by how impressive their service was.

The last time I was there I wanted to throat punch the woman I saw so I came prepared!

FOR NOTHING!

Not only were they super friendly and helpful I looked like a complete and total ass!

Who does that? Walk in there and pretend like I own the place. Then act like a bitch and get shot down. In all fairness though I had to have my defenses up. After the shafting I got the last time I was there. Its like they were playing with my mind. Then next time I go there I will be all sweet and unsuspecting and then BAM they are going to be mean again!

I cant keep up! Needless to say my attitude today was and EPIC FAIL!

So any hoo, after all of that happened they signed me up for a couple courses so that I can get some accreditation behind my name. Trust me though I will be on my guard with these people because they are definitely sneaky.

Hope everything is going well on your side.

Missing you!

Love you always and forever

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo