Last week Saturday!

. . .CONTINUED

Dear Matthew,

My tolerance for alcohol in this country is at an all time low. I get drunk so quickly it is pretty disgusting. Two glasses of wine and that’s me on my face and there is no shame. I have given new meaning to being a cheap date. The drunkenness sneaks up on me as if  it were a highly trained ninja and before I know it I am slurring my words and laughing my ass off.

Dave organised a nice evening out with family and friends of theirs at this place called the Cumberland Arms. But before we left for there we went to this place called The Ship and had a glass of wine. Now I cant remember if I had wine before we left and that is not cause I am a lush its because my memory is crap! That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Either way, I was already on my face by the time I finished the glass of wine that we had at The Ship and then we embarked on the long walk to the Cumberland Arms. It wasn’t so much the fact that the walk was long more the fact that I was drunk and I wont deny that my fitness levels are those of an obese donkey that can’t place his feet on the ground due to the vast size of his belly. Jell and I had a good giggle as we slowly and breathlessly made our way up and annoying stair case with steps not quite small enough for one step or two but not big enough for three.  We eventually lost sight of David as he sprinted on ahead of us making sure we realized that our lives we so sad that a man getting on in his years could out run us up a flight of steps.

When we finally got to the top of the treacherous pathway there was a light! It was indeed the Cumberland Arms. I had never been so excited to see a drinking establishment in my life. Jell and I walked behind Dave (at great distance) attempting to catch our breath. As we walked into this place there was a guy sitting outside in the Fuck Off cold playing his ukulele. I tried really hard not to laugh in his face but unfortunately there is only so much multitasking as a human being I can do.  As the night progressed though that wasn’t the only inappropriate thing I decided to find humor in.

While we were sitting around having a drink Cath and Jell made mention of this festival that I was supposed to go to but unfortunately due to the weather it has been cancel. Then they mentioned a separate incident where some dude offed his kid by mistake. In my drunken stupor I asked them to go into detail about this tragic story. Apparently what had happened was that some guy steam rolled his own son. Two things ran through my mind after I heard that.

1. Steam rollers are generally pretty slow. How did he not stop himself from rolling over his kid. 
2. Why were they giving me disgusting looks for laughing? Obviously the joke fell flat on them! (GEDDIT?)

When I finally realized that it was in appropriate to laugh I wiped away my tears and then I tried to put on one of the most sympathetic faces I could find.

I FAILED.

Hoping to pretend like that moment hadn’t even happened I kept drinking like I was super thirsty. In hind sight I now realize that this is what my problem is. I drink to cover up my stupidity. My stupidity is brought on by my drinking and ipso facto columbo oreo we have what is known as a vicious cycle.

The night came to a close and myself and Marian hauled our drunken selves into the back of the taxi and nattered and laughed the whole way home. I lost  my shoe, I lost jells glove and I told the taxi driver that he had one of the most interesting jobs in the world. I bet he begged to differ.

Needless to say that the nights frivolity didn’t come with consequences.

Cue Sunday Morning. . .

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

Fourteen!

Dear Matthew,

I know that it has been about fourteen days since my last blog! (sort of sounds like the opening to a confession!)

Although my acts have been pure my thoughts have not been!

Instead of writing you one incredibly long blog to fill you in on what has been happening in the past two weeks I have decided to go day by day over the past two weeks as I would normally have done! It just makes more sense to me to be honest! Plus there was way too much that happened over the past two weeks I have to fill you in detail for detail.

Preview!

• Did I go to the football?
• How was my first day at the course?
• What new fresh Hell has the Job Center got in store for me?
• Were there any more animals harmed in the making of this blog?
• What Minority group did I unwittingly insult whilst in the throws of a hangover?

AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!

Stay tuned friend because if you thought that my shenanigans had come to halt you ain’t seen nothing yet!

I will be releasing them all today so keep an eye out for them!

Missing you every day

Love you Always and Forever!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My first Geordie party!

Dear Matthew,

I am so hungover.

I am so uninspired at the way that I’m feeling I don’t even want to pretend to participate in life. I have never felt this bad in my whole life and do you want to know what the sad part is?

Do you?

I’ll tell you!

I only had four glasses of wine! That was it! Nothing more than that. I used to drink liters of the stuff back home! I am not sure if its because of the fact that I was nervous or if it was because the glasses were slightly bigger than normal or if it was because my wine came out of a tap but either way to say I am feeling bleak this morning is quite an understatement.

After the first glass of wine I had already lost feeling in my face and it was all down hill from there.

Parties here are very different because you don’t have smoking sections inside the building or restaurants that you are in so while in South Africa we get to stand with a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other, here we cant do that. Now I know it sounds like an epic fail but actually it works out very well. Do you want to know why?

Do you?

I’ll tell you why!

You smoke a lot less. Where back home I would be in a crumpled heap on the floor, my voice would be really deep and husky and not in a sexy way and I would be out of smokes.

I am in a crumpled heap on the floor but my throat feels fine and I can still smoke today without dragging my hungover ass to the shops, dealing with some irritating cashier who is upset cause she actually has to do her job and then having to deal with the looks that you get from people who at that moment in life suddenly want to take an interest in what is happening around them.

Also. . .

Its actually a nice way to meet people because all the smokers gather in the sinners corner and then we get to chat. I met the man that I am going to have beautiful babies with. Get a council house and claim benefits for, bring him beers and be a real British citizen for the rest of my life. (LOL NOT.) He was yummy though.

So about the party,

It was at the social club and it was a rented hall full of this persons family and friends. Self catering (oh my goodness) and there was a bar there that was obviously run by the club. This is also where I discovered rose on tap.

There was this band there that was amazing!! They were so excited with life and really got the crowd pumping. They sang some really awesome songs and the guy with the tambourine became my new idol. He was awesome! I had never seen a tambourine played with such precision and ferocity in my life before! Tambourine players get a really bad wrap but playing a tambourine is obviously an art! I will start a blog about this. (LOL NOT.) He was awesome though.

We drank and we danced and all in all I had an awesome night! I am however going to remember the way that I feel right now so as not to make the same mistakes again. I had hiccups the whole ride home. They were the most painful hiccups I have ever had. The fact that I was laughing like a fool didn’t help me much either.

But did the hilarity stop there?

No, no it did not.

When I got home I literally crawled up the stairs. Not an easy feat but I did it. I remember making it to the top of the stairs and being so proud of myself for crawling the whole way! It was like VICTORY! I then stood up and walked around like a normal person. Why I decided to crawl up the stairs hasn’t quite come back to me yet but I am hoping there was a good reason for that.

Jelly and I have decided to blame the change in altitude for my current state of affairs and I think judging by the way that things are going I’m going to be blaming the altitude a lot.

All I can say is I don’t and I mean I really DO NOT miss hangovers in the heat! Laying on the bed at home with the fan on and sweating like a sinner in church while alcohol takes hold of every shred of happiness you once clung to from the night before and smooshes it the day after is one thing I am glad to be rid of.

I am hoping that my dismal state of affairs with regards to my hangover dissipates rather quickly but until then I hope you are having an amazing day in sunny South Africa!

Love you always and forever

xoxoxox