Now I know I have already mentioned the bus drivers and their awesome habits but I feel they need an entire episode directed at them.
The reason that I feel this is necessary is because in the short time that I have been here I have been exposed to some of the weirdest and most wonderful people that the United Kingdom allows to operate heavy machinery and basically be responsible for the lives of others including myself.
I have had about fifty male bus drivers and one woman driver. I also feel it is important to list all of the characteristics that work against and with the respected sexes that are taking care of the commuters of Newcastle.
As is tradition I will let the ladies go first:
Today I had an interview and as I am well aware the bus drivers I have had to date have been ruthless. They stop for nothing (including passengers sometimes but we will get to that soon) drive at the speed of light and get me there in under twenty minutes.
So because I was late as usual I ran up to the bus stop and watched this woman drive by me. That was fine because they usually make their way back to that spot fast enough for me to count my change and zip up my purse. Today I managed to count my change, recount it and get exact change, count the rest of my change and then ten minutes later she pulled up beside me and I got on the bus.
This lady actually waited for me to get to my seat before she started hurtling off at a whopping 15 miles per hour. I know this because on the side of the road there are speedometers that alert drivers as to what speed they are travelling. At the next stop a granny needed to get on and so as one should normally do when operating a bus the bus driver stopped and tended to the granny. She then waited for the granny (with a gimpy hip) to hobble along to her seat.
Continuing at a astounding 12 miles per hour we continued our journey to the Haymarket. A journey that would usually take about fifteen to seventeen minutes (yes I time these things) took almost half an hour. Then we got to the Haymarket and she parked in the wrong bay? I was utterly disappointed I am all for feminist values especially the one ‘anything a man can do I can do better’ but this lady really just shot that unicorn in the face!
So the pro’s to having a Lady bus driver are as follows:
- They drive fairly well.
- Grannies with gimpy hips are safe.
- I wasn’t propelled towards my seat by a moving bus.
- I got to count all the change in my purse
The cons to having a lady driver:
- They are way too empathetic.
- Its called a STOP sign not a DIE OF OLD AGE sign.
- The appropriate speed to drive was 30 miles an hour.
- The parking bay marked 46 is the bay that the 46 bus is supposed to park in.
Ok so that’s the female break down now onto the men.
Yesterday I had the scariest experience I thought I would ever have in my life time thanks to a male driver. I had to go to the job center as you well know. Again I was a tad late, so I bolted to the bus stop and the same thing that happened today happened yesterday except I hadn’t even counted my change and the man was awaiting me impatiently.
I stepped onto a bus being manned by Uncle Fester himself. I was so shocked by this mans appearance that I didn’t even wait for my change I just grabbed my ticket and ran to the back of the entirely empty bus.
Yup that’s right it was just me and Uncle Fester.
As we were driving along I gripped the front of the seat in front of me. Uncle Fester drove through the streets of Brunton Park at a hair blowing 45 miles an hour. He also didn’t stop for any of the people who tried to hail him down. At this point I started to get very nervous. We know I am good looking and now I am stuck in a bus with one of the Adams family. It just screamed kidnap. Then another granny lurched herself in front of the bus and he had no choice but to stop or he would have had a super wrinkly hood ornament.
I would just like to take this opportunity to thank that granny!
We got to the Haymarket in a record eight minutes! I shit you not!
Ok so here we go with the pro’s of having a male driver:
- You get to where you need to on time.
- It pretty cool how they bob and weave in between traffic.
- People don’t mess with the bus drivers.
The con’s of having a male driver:
- White knuckle syndrome
- Buses are big and shouldn’t be driven that quickly.
- The speed limit is 30 miles per hour.
- Its a STOP sign not a SPEED UP sign.
- Grannies are not safe.
- Young people are not safe.
- People in general are not safe.
So as you can well see either way we flip the coin neither are kitted to provide safe and speedy travel. You get safe travel and then speedy but not both.
Also I have decided that I am going to have a BUS DRIVER of the week award! Starting from today.
This weeks BUS DRIVER is:
DRUM ROLL PLEASE!
Because of your scary demeanor and awful driving skills that worked in my favor I award you BUS DRIVER of the week! Thank you for making my daily travel scary as hell, giving me arthritis in my knuckles and allowing me to get off that excess weight through nervous sweats! Uncle Fester I Salute YOU!
Well friend that’s my bit for today!
Missing you stax
Love you always and forever